| I decided to look over my old xanga. The last time I commented was in Septemeber of 2006; almost three years ago. Since then, I have been through so much, and I have no record of it, because it doesn't feel right just posting my vital information on myspace. No one will read this cause no one has been on their xanga in years, but oh well... In the past three years I have lost three people who were more important to me than i would like to admit. Megan, my best freind of four years., my younger sister... I loved her just as much as i loved cole. we used to have so much fun together. i remember a game we used to play called sugar booger... she knew everything about me and didn't judge me the way some of my friends did. I always thought that we would be friends forever...so much for that...and now that she's going to have a baby in a few weeks, i feel even worse, cause he will probably never really know me. if we started hanging out again i don't even know if it would work, cause its been so long...i remember the first time we met, the first time we talked, the first time i stayed the night at her house...i miss the fact that she used to get jealous over the fact that i spent more time with cole than with her....i love her more than anyone will ever know...i just hope that she's happy.... Dave, who i honestly loved...i would give anything if we could be freinds again...he was the best friend i ever had other than meg...he understood me the way cole never will...i wish we would have ended up together under different circumstances, cause i think we could have been happy, at least for a while...i was so heartbroken both times when it didnt work out...but i loved him so much i was just happy to be his friend...but even that came to an end eventually....i miss his eyes and the way he smelled...again, i love him more than anyone will know and I hope he's happy... Ricky, my friend, my little percussionist, who i watched grow up from a seventh grader...who used to leave me comments on myspace all the time...who used to always ask he to play them when i came back for games...i used to think of him and duffy and matt as my kids, and i remember before they all strated wearing black (lol)...it broke my heart when i found out....i cared about him alot...i just pray that he's happy in heaven... In addition to the loss of these three people, i have dealt with cole dating another girl, being completely and totally alone for holidays, being kicked out of coles house, not being able to be with or talk to dave, many, many fights, car wrecks, extremely hard classes and depression. there came a point when there were too many demons and i just didn't want to live anymore, I was going to overdose on advil, but my roommate got out of class early, and came back to the dorm before I could. I figured that this was a sign from God that i was going to have to hang around and deal with my demons. i have been working really really hard the past year and a half, and i have dealt with most of them. however, they still haunt me sometimes when i start thinking about the past and all the people i have loved and lost, and then i wonder if my life is on the right track...if i'm doing the right thing or if i'm just setting myself up for more hearbreak...i don't know how much more i can take in this life... but at least now, i have written them down so maybe they won't haunt me as much, and i can go on living my life... |
oh well...i new it would happen eventually...its just now i dont have a best friend anymore...and im having a hard time dealing with that...and then the freakishly hard class...and then the stupid parents thing...whatever...theres nothing i can do about any of it now...
anyway...it just ticked me off a little...shes preachin about how people shouldnt get upset about the little things...HAS SHE TAKEN A LOOK IN THE MIRROR??? apparently not...whatever...i never have to see her again, so i guess it donest matter...